And it goes on...

I don't know what to make out of these out-of-the-blue bits of news that come travelling to me that my husband may be going around with another woman. I spend most of my day with him and I cannot understand when he would have the time to go and meet another woman. Of course, if we wants to, there are a thousand pretexts to do that, but would he be so vain as to attempt something that would malign his reputation if he were spotted with somebody? He swears and promises to me there's nothing and just when I start believing in him, something springs up to make me want to be suspicious again. Perhaps there are friends who are trying to help me just now but if I continue to be in denial, they may decide to stop and let me live in my fool's paradise. But then again, there are friends who tell me to make nothing out of such rumours - "gossip" they call it. My instinct? What use is it because it oscillates this way and that till I'm just a bunch of confused nerves. I sometimes think I could hire a detective to look up RG, but if there's no base to these rumours and if RG gets to know I did something like that, he would be devastated. Yes, I still give him the benefit of doubt because I don't have any proof to hold against him. It's just his word against others'. Whom should I believe? Would you believe in your husband or would you believe people you don't even know?

In my imagination

In my imagination

You were the guy

Who could not keep his hands off me

Who groped for my curvaceous back in the dark

To pull close to you,

To feel the butter smooth skin of the fleshy waist.

In my imagination

You were the guy who burnt hot kisses into my breast

In the dark of the night

Who made my lips quiver

And my insides ache

With want of you.

In my imagination

You were the guy who held me close

To caress

To pluck my nipples from my breast

With wet lips

And feel my thighs with callused palms

In my imagination

You were the guy who wanted me

Every night

To have and consume, to savour

Like a man must a woman he loves.

I orgasmed with the thought.

In my imagination

You were the guy

Who would turn me around

To kiss me on the nape of my neck,

My arched back,

My soft butt.

In my imagination

You were the guy

Whose hands I let explore

Every tiny crevice, curve and fold

Of my willing body.

I saved myself up for you.

Did I forget, forgive or ignore?

How do you react to an anonymous email that says your husband is going around with someone?

How do you react to an email address that is made up of Her son's first name and your husband's last name?

How do you react to Truth & Dare games where people want your husband to tell the truth about his relationship with Her?

How do you go on believing none of it is true?
How do I do it?

The gift

He forgot again. And now it doesn’t even matter. Perhaps, this isn’t an important day for him - the day when we first said our 'I love you's. Perhaps, he doesn't believe in mush like he used to.

Perhaps gifts don’t mean so much to him as they mean to me. And I'm quite okay with it now. But I'm still not okay with how little it means to him that gifts mean a lot to me.

Give me a gift of love, darling,
give me some space in your thoughts.
I know you love me deep in your heart
but show me sometimes that you do.
Give me a gift of love if you can
Just like you used to.

Sometimes, you're no more than a habit.

Of love

I've made this space my favourite punching bag. Things I can't say aloud I come here and say. Things nobody wants to hear, things that aren't so nice. And then there are things I should've said, but haven't. They are not secrets, yet I haven't shared them with you, nice things that everyone likes to hear.

I love RG. Love him like none other. I've let my doubts cast a shadow on my love, but I love him nonetheless. Even if those doubts were not baseless and even if he hasn't loved me the way I love him, I know he's been my only anchor. He has loved the way he knows best. There is no one else I can turn to the way I can turn to him. I know he's the one person who will try to understand me. He's my best friend.

Sometimes, I feel it's unfair I love him so much. But that love is my only source of joy. I only told you of the hurt he caused me, never of the happiness he gave me. But I say it now - with the conviction of one who's in love - I can never give him up. He's my only love.