In my imagination

In my imagination

You were the guy

Who could not keep his hands off me

Who groped for my curvaceous back in the dark

To pull close to you,

To feel the butter smooth skin of the fleshy waist.

In my imagination

You were the guy who burnt hot kisses into my breast

In the dark of the night

Who made my lips quiver

And my insides ache

With want of you.

In my imagination

You were the guy who held me close

To caress

To pluck my nipples from my breast

With wet lips

And feel my thighs with callused palms

In my imagination

You were the guy who wanted me

Every night

To have and consume, to savour

Like a man must a woman he loves.

I orgasmed with the thought.

In my imagination

You were the guy

Who would turn me around

To kiss me on the nape of my neck,

My arched back,

My soft butt.

In my imagination

You were the guy

Whose hands I let explore

Every tiny crevice, curve and fold

Of my willing body.

I saved myself up for you.

Did I forget, forgive or ignore?

How do you react to an anonymous email that says your husband is going around with someone?

How do you react to an email address that is made up of Her son's first name and your husband's last name?

How do you react to Truth & Dare games where people want your husband to tell the truth about his relationship with Her?

How do you go on believing none of it is true?
How do I do it?

The gift

He forgot again. And now it doesn’t even matter. Perhaps, this isn’t an important day for him - the day when we first said our 'I love you's. Perhaps, he doesn't believe in mush like he used to.

Perhaps gifts don’t mean so much to him as they mean to me. And I'm quite okay with it now. But I'm still not okay with how little it means to him that gifts mean a lot to me.

Give me a gift of love, darling,
give me some space in your thoughts.
I know you love me deep in your heart
but show me sometimes that you do.
Give me a gift of love if you can
Just like you used to.

Sometimes, you're no more than a habit.

Of love

I've made this space my favourite punching bag. Things I can't say aloud I come here and say. Things nobody wants to hear, things that aren't so nice. And then there are things I should've said, but haven't. They are not secrets, yet I haven't shared them with you, nice things that everyone likes to hear.

I love RG. Love him like none other. I've let my doubts cast a shadow on my love, but I love him nonetheless. Even if those doubts were not baseless and even if he hasn't loved me the way I love him, I know he's been my only anchor. He has loved the way he knows best. There is no one else I can turn to the way I can turn to him. I know he's the one person who will try to understand me. He's my best friend.

Sometimes, I feel it's unfair I love him so much. But that love is my only source of joy. I only told you of the hurt he caused me, never of the happiness he gave me. But I say it now - with the conviction of one who's in love - I can never give him up. He's my only love.

Still a question mark

There are thoughts you think and there are thoughts others put into your head.

When I am done thinking about all things that can wrong between us and discarded those thoughts, someone will come up with them again - the unanswerable questions, the doubts, the suspicion.

It's not easy to restore your trust when it's been broken, but it's even more difficult when there's no one to tell you, you can trust again.

I could be jealous and insecure and see things from a prejudiced wife's point of view. But why would a mother see her son in the same light and worry for her daughter-in-law? Why would friends want to shield from the pain they know I could feel? I'm not alone in seeing what I do; others see it too. They see him and her and they sense what I do.

And yet he denies it. And leaves me wondering whether I should believe him - the one person I've believed the - or others around us: him, her and me.

Is it just cruel fate that keeps bringing me up against the same blocks? Or is this a sign that I need to stop indulging in wishful thinking? Am I closing my eyes to the reality or am I seeing things that don't exist?