How do you react to an anonymous email that says your husband is going around with someone?

How do you react to an email address that is made up of Her son's first name and your husband's last name?

How do you react to Truth & Dare games where people want your husband to tell the truth about his relationship with Her?

How do you go on believing none of it is true?
How do I do it?

The gift

He forgot again. And now it doesn’t even matter. Perhaps, this isn’t an important day for him - the day when we first said our 'I love you's. Perhaps, he doesn't believe in mush like he used to.

Perhaps gifts don’t mean so much to him as they mean to me. And I'm quite okay with it now. But I'm still not okay with how little it means to him that gifts mean a lot to me.

Give me a gift of love, darling,
give me some space in your thoughts.
I know you love me deep in your heart
but show me sometimes that you do.
Give me a gift of love if you can
Just like you used to.

Sometimes, you're no more than a habit.

Of love

I've made this space my favourite punching bag. Things I can't say aloud I come here and say. Things nobody wants to hear, things that aren't so nice. And then there are things I should've said, but haven't. They are not secrets, yet I haven't shared them with you, nice things that everyone likes to hear.

I love RG. Love him like none other. I've let my doubts cast a shadow on my love, but I love him nonetheless. Even if those doubts were not baseless and even if he hasn't loved me the way I love him, I know he's been my only anchor. He has loved the way he knows best. There is no one else I can turn to the way I can turn to him. I know he's the one person who will try to understand me. He's my best friend.

Sometimes, I feel it's unfair I love him so much. But that love is my only source of joy. I only told you of the hurt he caused me, never of the happiness he gave me. But I say it now - with the conviction of one who's in love - I can never give him up. He's my only love.

Still a question mark

There are thoughts you think and there are thoughts others put into your head.

When I am done thinking about all things that can wrong between us and discarded those thoughts, someone will come up with them again - the unanswerable questions, the doubts, the suspicion.

It's not easy to restore your trust when it's been broken, but it's even more difficult when there's no one to tell you, you can trust again.

I could be jealous and insecure and see things from a prejudiced wife's point of view. But why would a mother see her son in the same light and worry for her daughter-in-law? Why would friends want to shield from the pain they know I could feel? I'm not alone in seeing what I do; others see it too. They see him and her and they sense what I do.

And yet he denies it. And leaves me wondering whether I should believe him - the one person I've believed the - or others around us: him, her and me.

Is it just cruel fate that keeps bringing me up against the same blocks? Or is this a sign that I need to stop indulging in wishful thinking? Am I closing my eyes to the reality or am I seeing things that don't exist?

Truth & dare

I will not ask you any more questions and save you the trouble of lieing. I will give you a chance to tell me the truth. No, I will give you another chance to tell me the truth. If you don't take it, I will believe your lies as your version of the truth. I have no alternative. No, it's not love that takes away my alternatives; I don't think I'm in love with you anymore. It's the exhaustion, the futility of making you see my side of the picture, of realising you're too meek to accept your mistakes, too scared I will not forgive them again that stops me from confronting you again.

And anyway, you have taken away my right to ask you any questions. My mistrust apparently bothers you, but you don't know how to win over my trust, you don't know how easy it is to be honest with me and fool me still. You believe you will be lucky enough to be sly and never get caught, don't you? You forget you weren't so lucky in the past.

If there is nothing, why do you feel the need to lie? Why do I feel that the way you look at her is not different? Why do I ignore my instincts that tell me I'm a blockade in the way?

Tell me I'm wrong. But tell me the truth please.

A romantic dinner,
A tiny gift box
Of sexy lingerie
Tucked under my pillow.

A walk under the stars
Moony-eyed,
A passionate night -
Caresses and cries.

Long drives and wine,
Holding hands.
A touch here, a touch there,
Secret smiles.

Hickies, holidays
'Miss you' messages.
Showers together
Kneading, rubbing, feeling each other.

Surprises

Plans
Kisses
A cup of happiness.

Praying
Wishing
Wanting
Whispering.

A home
A hearth
Love, laughter,
You and Me.

A wish.

Shut me up

What is it about what I say that puts you off so completely?
Or is it the way I say it? Or is it just me that makes you want to shut me up?

Last night I tried talking to him about what most couples usually talk about after they've been married so long - kids. He said he didn't want to talk about it. So what's weird, you ask, he just might not want to talk about it. Well, we used to talk a lot about having children when we were dating. But there has been an uneasy silence on the topic since we got married. I sensed he did not want to talk about kids yet. So I didn't, all these years... But it was after great deliberation that I broke the silence, because someone had to. And it was with great love that I broached the topic. He shut me up, snubbed me, just like that.

So I changed tracks. Became funny. Maybe that's what he'd like to see? But that put him off too... I tried being myself and that was too kiddish for him. Oh no! I was "acting" like a kid. No, I'm not cute and I'm not grwon up, I'm not emotional, I'm just stupid. So fine, I'll shut up. Now you talk.

What is it about us
That makes me want to fall in love with you
All over again?